


Relationships Are Like Marathons, Which Are Also Stupid (or Cristiano goes to Walmart)

by futuretrapqueen



Category: Football RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-21
Updated: 2016-07-21
Packaged: 2018-07-25 18:27:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 994
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7543267
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/futuretrapqueen/pseuds/futuretrapqueen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's finally happening ..</p>
            </blockquote>





	Relationships Are Like Marathons, Which Are Also Stupid (or Cristiano goes to Walmart)

**Author's Note:**

> This is way overdue .. I guess you can consider it a follow up to "I Hope You Fall Down With Your Hands In Your Pockets" but you don't need to have read one to understand the other LOL enjoy!

"So let me get this straight. I can buy steaks .. and a new pair of jeans .. all in the same store?"

"That's right."

"I can buy DVD's .. and a new set of pots and pans .. all in the same store?"

"Yup."

"I can buy a watch .. and gym equipment .. all in the same fucking store?!"

"Yes, Cris, yes."

"..."

".."

" .. Leo take me home."

This was really and truly a terrible idea, subjecting Cristiano Ronaldo to something as otherworldly as shopping in *gasps* a superstore .. but Leo was feeling sadistic, his excitement was almost disturbing.

Almost.

"So remember, baby." he says, dragging Cris through the sliding doors. "You're buying ingredients for dinner and picking up some pajamas for yourself."

"Why do you hate me?!" Cristiano snaps, nostrils flaring as he glares at his boyfriend. "I fucking suck your dick every god damn night and this is what I get in return?! This is bullshit!"

"Can you relax?" Leo huffs, shoving a shopping cart into his boyfriends hands and pushing him down an aisle. "It's fresh produce, Cristiano, look." he says, pointing at the fruits and vegetable. "It's exactly what you eat."

"My veggies aren't touched by a thousand people a day!" he spits back. "Oh my God look - LOOK! That old lady is eating those fucking grapes! Has she payed for them?! She's fucking stealing Leo and - OH MY GOD LEO SHE'S TOUCHING EVERYTHING!" 

"Fucking calm down!" Leo whispers harshly, tugging the other man towards him. "Cris, the faster you get what we need the faster we can leave, alright?"

"Fine." he pouts, making his way into the grocery section, he turns to see Leo walking off in a different direction. "Baby? Where are you - you're not leaving me, you little shit! Get back here!"

"I'll be right down here - I just want to see if they have the toothpaste we like." Leo says, pointing down an aisle.

"Of course. Of course they have fucking toothpaste." Cris scowls, looking his boyfriend up and down. "Hey, my house needs painting. I was thinking of doing a nice luscious shade of red. Do they sell that too?"

"Yeah I think it's at the back of the sto-"

"OH MY FUCKING GOD OF COURSE IT IS!"

*

So far so good. Cristiano couldn't complain much. He found the ingredients for dinner easily enough. Now all he needed were the pajamas and then he was FREE.

He follows the signs around the store, going down one aisle, then the next, heading in the direction of the apparent menswear section, making a left before the children's toys but - no pajamas. He heads down another aisle, passing through eighty different kinds of shampoos and about a hundred different deodorants, which connect to another aisle full of nail polishes and facial care products, which connect to another aisle littered with stationary in every fucking color of the rainbow and if Cris wasn't close to having a panic attack before, he most definitely was now.  

"Breathe. Just breathe." he pants, reaching for his cellphone to call Leo. "You're fine, Cris. You're more than fine. You're the fucking Champion of Europe you can handle yourself in a Walmart!"

When Leo doesn't answer his phone though, Cris feels himself sway.

Leo left. He fucking left him. Probably went to go get himself a Big Mac from the Mcdonalds that was oh-so conveniently attached to this fucking hell hole of a shopping experience. 

He runs, like a fucking psycho. Runs down what seems like a never-ending number of aisles and Cristiano never thought he'd say this, but never had he ever felt more connected to Alice in Wonderland in his entire life. They were kindred spirits in this moment. 

He trips over his own feet and almost slams into a pile of stacked paint cans (OF COURSE!), but manages to save himself from utter embarrassment by slide tacking a container of beach balls, sending three of them bouncing off the office chair display 3 sections over. Cristiano gets to his feet and turns in every which way, trying to find his way out, but its no use. He's trapped.

This is where he dies ..

 

 *

Leo grabs a bunch of toothpaste and few boxes of Q-tips - because 4 for $5 is a bargain, you'd have to be an idiot to pass that up - and makes his way to the grocery section where he assumed Cris would still be. He's surprised when he doesn't see him and a surge of pride wells up in his chest at the thought of his baby boy actually getting his shit together and somewhat surviving this trip.

He goes to pull out his phone and call Cristiano, when he sees seven missed calls from his boyfriend, all within 5 minutes of each other.  
  


"Shit." he says. "Shit. Shit. Shit."

He's about to call him back when a message over the intercom catches his ear.

"LEO TO CUSTOMER SERVICE, PLEASE. LEO TO CUSTOMER SERVICE."

*

"Baby!" Cris shouts, running to Leo when the other man rounds the corner. "You came back!"

"Came back? Cris I was right where I said I'd be. What happened?" he asks.

"I saw things, Leo." Cris whispers, gazing at his boyfriend with wide eyes. "Scary things .. Someone put a half eaten sandwich in the toiletry section .. that's not right, Leo, that's not right."

Leo sighs, thanking the employees before taking Cris' hand, paying for the items and leaving as quickly as he can. He helps the other man into the car, kissing him on the cheek. "You okay, baby? I didn't mean to traumatize you."

"I didn't get the pajamas, Leo." he pouts, yanking him in close, wanting a kiss. "but .. I don't think I'm going to need them."

"No? Why not?" Leo asks, trying to press their mouths together.

"Because .." he says softly, teasing his boyfriends lips before pulling away. "Your cute, tiny ass is sleeping on the couch for the REST OF YOUR FUCKING LIFE, LIONEL I HATE YOU!"

 


End file.
